Schwarzkopf

when you hear that word what do you think? the german brand right? yeah...

for me it's a reminder of one of the best people i knew. 

i remember him standing in front of the mirror and opening the box of hair dye. i asked him what kind of rubbish company had he chosen, "schwarzkopf? that's the best one out there, silly" is what he replied.

i ended up in germany decades later and i see this name everywhere.

it reminds me of him.

it reminds me that he's not with us anymore. i cannot talk to him. i cannot ask him about any medical help i need. 

it reminds me that i could never say goodbye.

We will never know

Minha's rehabilitation exercises have started. Yesterday, we tied her good hand so she is motivated to use her paralyzed one. Instead, that little fighter started using her mouth. We recorded it. Had a good laugh as well. But later when I lay in bed, a thought came to mind that is still bothering me. 

What did that baby feel for the second she had that stroke?

How did she feel? 

What was her thought?

We will never know it. I will never forget that day. Never. Her cry was different. Her face. She won't ever be able to tell us how she felt and what she felt.

My poor little baby.

A shit show

I cannot believe a year went by. Officially the worst year of my life tied with 2003, the year my Mum got cancer. And this year you ask? Minha, the love the of my life, my saviour, had a stroke! A 1 year old baby? A stroke? As you imagined, our tiny little world has been shaken. The poor baby cannot move her right side. She's so frustrated, so annoyed. She can't do the things she loved.

This is the last picture I taken of her before the tragedy occurred. Look at this beautiful baby. Can you imagine she can go through something as horrible as a stroke? 

I really hope this is the last hurt my family ever feels. I hope my baby recovers so quickly that we forget about these horrible days that we just faced. 

Fuck 2022 fuck 2021 fuck 2003! 

Those frickin songs

I have songs associated with the events in my life. And now no matter how much I try, whenever I listen to those songs, I cannot not revisit all those things that happened and feel sad for myself and feel even more pathetic about my humdrum life.

Yes, another sad post is coming up. 

 It's October. Actually half of October is gone too. Daylight saving times are about to kick in and you know what is still here in my life? Yup, you might have guessed it. Depression. Yeah, I had many things to look forward to this year, Mini's birthday being the biggest. But that's gone too. I didn't ask to be born. I'm too afraid to end my life and apparently I'm too young to just drop down dead.

What a meaningless life I have. Absolutely no purpose. No goals. No future.

Time flies

 ... when your life is in shambles.

It's May already. I started this year so hopeful, you have no idea. But I guess, bad luck and being miserable doesn't care about the date.

31. That's how old I am today. Haven't had a birthday with my family in 5 years and of course what they wanted to do was celebrate. But I ask them, celebrate what? Do you think I feel like my life is worth celebrating? My existence is worthless and an unnecessary use of resources. There were much more important people who could have used the air I breathe, the food I eat, and there are more important souls to come. 

There was a time I would imagine the future before falling asleep. Such a beautiful future. So colourful and full of life and laughter. But all I see now, what I'm assuming, is a pitch black road hopefully leading to my end. 

Honestly, I can't wait for the day that I go to sleep and never wake up. I know my family would be sad but time would heal all.

it's hit the fan

when i was little i thought i'd be a lot of things when i grew up. a supreme court judge, a doctor, a business owner, a philanthropist but what i never thought i would be was depressed. 

and you might think how having depression is a fashion item these days, trust me, i'd rather be buried alive. 

do you know what depression does to a person? the constant feeling of loneliness makes me feel unwanted around everyone and at this point i know my family doesn't even want me, my friends don't want to be around me and honestly i wouldn't blame them. who wants to be around a person who is sad all the time? but do you think i want to be like this? why would i ever want to subject myself to constant anxiety, stress, thinking i'm never enough, going out of my way to make people to help people so that at least they think of me as somewhat useful?

not going to lie, wanting to end my life is something i have thought about, but then again the thought of being the cause of pain for my family is what stops me. i didn't ask to be put in this world, having to live a life where i've never been happy nor do i see being happy ever, but i guess i'll finish this shift until it's time to go home. 

Here's to smiles, and giggles, and laughter ...

2021 was a weird year even though it's still not over. 

I keep comparing it to 2003. The year my grandpa died, my mum got diagnosed with cancer, and the worst of all, I got my first period. And now you'd say how my grandpa dying and mum getting cancer is less worse than me getting my period. You see, my grandpa is resting, my mum recovered, but I STILL GET MY FRICKIN PERIOD AND IT'S WORSE THAN EVER!!

Anyway, let's get into 2021. Oh and this is going to be my last "blog" for the year.

You see, I started this year hopeful and in love. With a friend. Within a month or so, I was left with neither.

Another few months later, my Dad's brother died unexpectedly. I wasn't close to him, no. What bugged me was how he died. He overdosed on drugs, and was dead in a public hospital with no ID on him. A charity organization performed his final rituals, and buried him. Three days later, a cousin of mine read the papers and found out. It mustn't have been a pretty sight when his kids found out. 

How did his death bother me? He died alone. I live alone and that's my worst fear. To be dead for days before my loved ones find out. 

Life moves on right? It did for me too. But then, not even 3 months later my Mum's brother passed away. And I was close to that uncle. He was the one whom I always imagined by my side. He was the only doctor I trusted. Ever. Living in Germany, I have access to great healthcare but even then I would always second check with him. 

"Mama, should I eat this tablet the doctor gave me?"

"Mama, I got this thing on my arm, is it an allergic reaction?"

"Mama, my kitchen drain is blocked. What medicine should I take?"

You can say his death hit me hard. I couldn't imagine what his family felt like if I, only his niece, felt my world collapsed. 

Not only I, but everyone in my family felt like we'd never recover. But time, it can be a bitch but it also can be the best medicine (yeah I know they say that about laughter but guess what I'm saying time is the best medicine so sue me!)

Let's cut to the start of October and everyone's preparing for my brother's baby who is due end of November but then BAM she's more than a month early. Which I know would have been scary if she and the mother weren't healthy. But they both were and still are.

And let me tell you, the moment I saw that baby's face, for the first time in what felt like ages, I had happy tears and every bad thing that happened that year, suddenly started to hurt much less.

And it's not like every day I don't think about my late uncle, it's just that I've started remembering him in a way that doesn't make me feel sad. I think about the good times rather than the fact that he isn't among us physically anymore.

 And to think, it's amazing how a mini sized person can bring the maximum amount of joy in one's life. And I'll say is, here's to more happy tears, belly tickles, laughter snorts, and less sad moments in 2022.