A shit show

I cannot believe a year went by. Officially the worst year of my life tied with 2003, the year my Mum got cancer. And this year you ask? Minha, the love the of my life, my saviour, had a stroke! A 1 year old baby? A stroke? As you imagined, our tiny little world has been shaken. The poor baby cannot move her right side. She's so frustrated, so annoyed. She can't do the things she loved.

This is the last picture I taken of her before the tragedy occurred. Look at this beautiful baby. Can you imagine she can go through something as horrible as a stroke? 

I really hope this is the last hurt my family ever feels. I hope my baby recovers so quickly that we forget about these horrible days that we just faced. 

Fuck 2022 fuck 2021 fuck 2003! 

Those frickin songs

I have songs associated with the events in my life. And now no matter how much I try, whenever I listen to those songs, I cannot not revisit all those things that happened and feel sad for myself and feel even more pathetic about my humdrum life.

Yes, another sad post is coming up. 

 It's October. Actually half of October is gone too. Daylight saving times are about to kick in and you know what is still here in my life? Yup, you might have guessed it. Depression. Yeah, I had many things to look forward to this year, Mini's birthday being the biggest. But that's gone too. I didn't ask to be born. I'm too afraid to end my life and apparently I'm too young to just drop down dead.

What a meaningless life I have. Absolutely no purpose. No goals. No future.

Time flies

 ... when your life is in shambles.

It's May already. I started this year so hopeful, you have no idea. But I guess, bad luck and being miserable doesn't care about the date.

31. That's how old I am today. Haven't had a birthday with my family in 5 years and of course what they wanted to do was celebrate. But I ask them, celebrate what? Do you think I feel like my life is worth celebrating? My existence is worthless and an unnecessary use of resources. There were much more important people who could have used the air I breathe, the food I eat, and there are more important souls to come. 

There was a time I would imagine the future before falling asleep. Such a beautiful future. So colourful and full of life and laughter. But all I see now, what I'm assuming, is a pitch black road hopefully leading to my end. 

Honestly, I can't wait for the day that I go to sleep and never wake up. I know my family would be sad but time would heal all.

it's hit the fan

when i was little i thought i'd be a lot of things when i grew up. a supreme court judge, a doctor, a business owner, a philanthropist but what i never thought i would be was depressed. 

and you might think how having depression is a fashion item these days, trust me, i'd rather be buried alive. 

do you know what depression does to a person? the constant feeling of loneliness makes me feel unwanted around everyone and at this point i know my family doesn't even want me, my friends don't want to be around me and honestly i wouldn't blame them. who wants to be around a person who is sad all the time? but do you think i want to be like this? why would i ever want to subject myself to constant anxiety, stress, thinking i'm never enough, going out of my way to make people to help people so that at least they think of me as somewhat useful?

not going to lie, wanting to end my life is something i have thought about, but then again the thought of being the cause of pain for my family is what stops me. i didn't ask to be put in this world, having to live a life where i've never been happy nor do i see being happy ever, but i guess i'll finish this shift until it's time to go home.