Ignorance, it's bliss.

I woke up restless today. I know the reason why.

Farwa's leaving. That's me. I know why I feel every emotion that I feel.

I wish I didn't.

The problem with being self-aware is that you know where your issues lie. You know your demons. They stay with you. They live with you. But then again, you can't do much about them?

I can trace down where my anxieties come from. I know why I get super annoyed whenever someone or even I have to leave. I know when and where and why it all started.

When saying goodbye, I'm always reminded of an eleven year old me, on the evening I saw my mother getting into a car. Going where? I don't know. Why? I don't know. But I do know she was sick. Didn't really know when was she coming back.

The night of my 12th birthday, she goes again. I know where now. To the hospital. Was she coming back this time as well? I didn't know again.

That's how the whole year went. My Mum leaving every other week leaving behind my little brother and me just ... numb ... wondering would she be back this time? That same year, I remember Nana Baba turning around at the door before leaving and saying goodbye to me and my aunt. He never returned. 

Flight MH370 had me track my Dad's flights every time he went for business trips with the fear what if that airplane didn't land either? What if it was the last time I saw my Dad?

Nani passed away while we weren't in Pakistan. Did my Mum ever think she wouldn't ever get to see her mother once she left the country?

I do.

I think that every time I leave Karachi. Every time I board that flight, my heart breaks a little. The struggle between wanting to have a good life vs being with loved ones is what will take my sanity one day.